Author: jillelkin

In our world, where every piece of information is readily available at a moment’s notice, what do we still KNOW? How do we seek and gain knowledge?

Our calendars are at our fingertips, a whole world of knowledge that others have discovered can be looked up, searched for by a few tidy keywords. On any given day, I have no idea what the date is. I have to pull up my phone to see what it tells me. Want to know what the weather is? Most of us will look on an app rather than OUTSIDE to find out what is happening out there. I am not pointing fingers- I do it, too. What is even the purpose of knowledge, when it seems that everything that could ever possibly be known is available for us to look up the answer to?

That answer lies deeper. We can’t Google search that and we can’t ask Siri. Knowledge is something that you know and feel with every fiber of your being. It can not be found on a screen. It is inside you. Do you remember being a little kid in school, and learning something for the very first time by rote memory? But then, maybe, something “clicked” and you not only knew it, but you understood it. Remember that feeling? That “a-ha moment”? That is knowledge.

Why on earth am I writing about this? Because our inclination to just have information and forget knowledge can take over. Because sometimes we feel lost and alone and disconnected from ourselves and the world. We have all the information we could possibly want, but information is not knowledge. I have found my source of knowledge in yoga. Not just the yoga I do on the mat, but the yoga that I do out in the world.

On the mat, I found my breath for the very first time. But in my life, I learned how that breath works. I found the power it contains, and the connections it creates for my whole being. On my mat, I have experienced moments of complete balance. But in my life I have learned to live that balance. I keep finding these moments that turn into more. They turn into knowledge.

Yesterday, I taught a mini restorative class to 25 people….. 25 amazing, vibrant, beautiful souls who came into the room full of energy and allowed me the honor of guiding them into relaxation. At the end of the class, before they all came back up to a seated position, I asked them all to take three deep breaths- in through the nose and out through the mouth with a sigh….. I have never heard or felt anything like it. The entire class breathed as one. It was a moment that will stay with me for a long time- the sound and energy of calm and peace….. a final release. 💕

Our two selves- the story of our lives and the inner experience of it.

Neuroscience has shown that we are constantly in a state of experiencing two types of self-awareness. The first form is our narrative, our autobiography. This form of self-awareness changes with time, as our story changes with our experience of life. Centered around our use of language, our story grows and shifts as our emotional state changes- Have you ever asked two people about an experience that they shared? They may tell very different stories of the experience depending on their own emotional experiences. If you ask the same people about the same experience a year later, you may hear completely different stories, as these people may be living in completely different emotional experiences from the previous year.

The second form of self-awareness is based on moment to moment experiences. This self-awareness system is centered around our sensations and carries a deeper truth, a truth that is held within our bodies. It is more difficult to connect this self-awareness into words. This self-awareness is what makes your stomach clench when you recall a horrible memory. The one that experiences that “my heart is full” feeling. You may not be able to express some of this into words, but you can feel it inside.

These systems are often out of synch. Sometimes our physical experience of a situation becomes too much to incorporate into our narrative. Then our two systems begin to diverge. To the outer world we tell a story of our experience. But inside, our emotional experience is different. Because this second form of self-awareness is based in the medial prefrontal cortex, this system can actually change our emotional brain. We keep telling the narrative to the outside world, but the inner truth is seated in a different experience, an experience based in sensations which is informing our emotional truth. So, how can we reconcile these two? This is where yoga comes in.

In working with our physical sensations, we can begin to assimilate those sensations into our experiences. We can begin to befriend our sensations- the pleasant and the not-so-pleasant sensations…. maybe even the down-right-horrible sensations. If we can acknowledge them, we can begin to work with them. We can begin to incorporate the existence of the unpleasantness into our narrative. We can learn to be OK with the good and the bad. Only then, can we come into our wholeness. Our full being of existence.

Sometimes, we all give in to self-doubt. We all question our path. The ego has a funny way of keeping us under its thumb. I usually blog in a general way. I haven’t gotten too personally yet. But, here it comes…

First, a little backstory. I like to take things as they come. For several years, I contemplated very generally about taking yoga teacher training, but I didn’t really plan it out. Then when teacher training opened to me, it felt very natural to follow that path. Looking back, i have no regrets. But, learning never ends. I found myself, quickly, ready to seek more training, and eager to begin my teaching journey.

Today, for the first time since my yoga teacher training ended, I find myself questioning. Did I take the right path? Is this who I am meant to be? These questions began in my mind early this morning as I found out that a training that I have been looking forward to for months has been canceled. Being a person who very much believes in “signs” and that the right path will come, I began to think, ‘So, it appears that this training was not meant to be a part of my path.’ I begin to research other trainings. But in the back of my mind a little niggling feeling begins- am I meant to do Yoga Nidra Training at all?

Then I come in to teach my Friday morning class. For the first time in the studio, I have no students. No one comes to class this morning. My ego begins to talk. ‘First my training is canceled, and then I have no students. What am I supposed to learn from this?’ Then I begin to spiral. ‘Maybe I am on the wrong path. Maybe I’m not meant to be a yoga teacher at all.’ my ego says.

In that moment, I stand still. I feel the sensations of the floor beneath me. I bring my full awareness into my breath. I notice… I notice every little movement of muscle and bone and skin as I inhale deeply and then exhale. And I stand there. In complete stillness, yet full of movement. I stand with my feet rooted to the ground my spine lengthening and the crown of my head reaching for the sky. I stand and I breathe. I am there in the middle the studio floor, the empty studio floor, with no students in sight. I come to awareness of my body, awareness of my breath, awareness of my mind. I begin to notice those thoughts, aware of my doubt, aware of my fragile ego. But this time I see them from a little distance. My pure awareness just beyond them, looking back at all that I was thinking and feeling.

When I open my eyes, I see the studio. But now, I see it differently. There was a student present- the student was me.

I know as a teacher I will have many more moments of doubt, self questioning. And I hope in those moments, I can come to stillness, come to my breath, and be my own teacher. Because, this morning I found my deeper Self once again, and my doubts all slid away- a little smaller, a little less important, a little less connected to me.

This morning I found myself filled with gratitude for this place. This place where I find stillness and quiet before class begins. Centering myself, quieting my mind, taking a deep inhale and then a full exhale and then allowing silence to take place for just a moment before my breath flows back in- the rush of air filling my lungs, the burst of energy and life filling every cell of my being…… let the day begin. 😊