The Fragile Ego

Sometimes, we all give in to self-doubt. We all question our path. The ego has a funny way of keeping us under its thumb. I usually blog in a general way. I haven’t gotten too personally yet. But, here it comes…

First, a little backstory. I like to take things as they come. For several years, I contemplated very generally about taking yoga teacher training, but I didn’t really plan it out. Then when teacher training opened to me, it felt very natural to follow that path. Looking back, i have no regrets. But, learning never ends. I found myself, quickly, ready to seek more training, and eager to begin my teaching journey.

Today, for the first time since my yoga teacher training ended, I find myself questioning. Did I take the right path? Is this who I am meant to be? These questions began in my mind early this morning as I found out that a training that I have been looking forward to for months has been canceled. Being a person who very much believes in “signs” and that the right path will come, I began to think, ‘So, it appears that this training was not meant to be a part of my path.’ I begin to research other trainings. But in the back of my mind a little niggling feeling begins- am I meant to do Yoga Nidra Training at all?

Then I come in to teach my Friday morning class. For the first time in the studio, I have no students. No one comes to class this morning. My ego begins to talk. ‘First my training is canceled, and then I have no students. What am I supposed to learn from this?’ Then I begin to spiral. ‘Maybe I am on the wrong path. Maybe I’m not meant to be a yoga teacher at all.’ my ego says.

In that moment, I stand still. I feel the sensations of the floor beneath me. I bring my full awareness into my breath. I notice… I notice every little movement of muscle and bone and skin as I inhale deeply and then exhale. And I stand there. In complete stillness, yet full of movement. I stand with my feet rooted to the ground my spine lengthening and the crown of my head reaching for the sky. I stand and I breathe. I am there in the middle the studio floor, the empty studio floor, with no students in sight. I come to awareness of my body, awareness of my breath, awareness of my mind. I begin to notice those thoughts, aware of my doubt, aware of my fragile ego. But this time I see them from a little distance. My pure awareness just beyond them, looking back at all that I was thinking and feeling.

When I open my eyes, I see the studio. But now, I see it differently. There was a student present- the student was me.

I know as a teacher I will have many more moments of doubt, self questioning. And I hope in those moments, I can come to stillness, come to my breath, and be my own teacher. Because, this morning I found my deeper Self once again, and my doubts all slid away- a little smaller, a little less important, a little less connected to me.